There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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