apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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