You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
