Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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