mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
