a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
