We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
