We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
