it was like having sex with a tree stump
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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