There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
