and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
