im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
