Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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