We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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