Barsexuality is the new black.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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