I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
