Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just googled if crying burns calories
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
