id be glad to
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
