She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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