"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
