I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
