All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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