I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
