you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize