my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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