he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize