I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
People in love make me want to vomit
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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