Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I wear drunk well.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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