remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
