6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
