this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize