Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
