I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
