I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize