you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
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