I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
