I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
