Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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