You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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