I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
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