were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
