My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
