I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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