in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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