im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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