god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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