"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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