Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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