Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
