Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
