One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
