And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
