I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
