Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
