Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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