I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
