I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
