1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
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