So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
