I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
