Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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