i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
